pouring my heart out on paper

I was told I should keep a journal about my baby's birth while in the hospital...

July 14, 2012: Today my son was born

"...half asleep and startled, Gabe stumbled out of bed and began to pack a bag, as I inspected the "situation" in the bathroom.  It was 1:30am and I had just had my second bleed. The doctor had warned us about it during my first hospital visit, just 3 days earlier.  He told me that I would bleed again and at that time we would have the baby by cesarean. So much for the birth plan I had put together for our son's 'natural un-medicated birth'...

This is not what Gabe and I were expecting, but at least we had a little time to let the info process. Terrified and alone (because daddy had to stay out in the hall), I was prepped for an epidural. What a sobering experience. I was not at all prepared to have a needle stuck into my back nor to have my stomach cut open. But in all honesty, once the drugs set in...all my fears began to melt away. By 5:51 am, Koen Joseph entered our world!

That immediate motherly love and bond that everyone says kicks in as soon as you see your baby for the first time...well, DIDN'T, no thanks to the drugs. But once I came out of my drug-induced cloud and was able to hold him- I felt it. INSTANTLY!  LOVE <3

I can't get enough of him! His skin, his smell, his peach fuzz, his fat cheeks. LOVE AT SECOND SIGHT! Even with the lingering pains of surgery and a groggy head, I make my way down to the second floor and across the hospital to the NICU every couple hours to see him. My, err OUR, little man. He is so sweet and looks so helpless in that damn incubator. I just want to grab him and run. But he needs to get stronger before going home...I get that.

Later today was my baby shower! Whoo-hoo! Thanks to Skype, I was able to make an appearance at my shower direct from my hospital bed. But again, the drugs were having an effect on me, which I'm sure was evident by the sleepy look on my face. After about 10 minutes, I was out like a light"

Momma V!ck

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